Thriving in the presence of the family
The 5 steps I took to do the Impossible

by Alan Steinborn

It is the ultimate acid test for you.

You can succeed at your work, grow your business, get a great job, you can expand
your awareness, realize your true nature, reach states of bliss and nirvana;

but the real question is this:

Can you survive lunch with your family?

Ladies and gentleman, I am proud to announce that I just returned from a
family reunion filled with its share of drama, conflict, loud voices, judgments,
uninteresting banter, little sleep, and huge amounts of fattening food.

And I had a blast!

In fact I had the best time with my family ever!

EVER!!!

This is amazing. To consider how amazing this is, pause for a moment and consider this:

My whole life my role in the family has been that of the 'screw up', the black sheep,
the one to avoid if possible.

And I have avoided my family too.

I lived on the other side of the world to avoid my family.

My family was always the last to get my new address, my new telephone number, my
opinions and my sympathy.

So what changed with me and what steps did I follow?

First, I have done much inner work getting to a point of being in presence and forgiveness.

I simply don't think of myself as the victim anymore.

But this was not enough.

To have such a great time, not merely a time of tolerance but an inspiring blast, I followed a five step strategy.

My 5 step strategy to thriving in the family is as follows:

1. Write up an action plan
   
   
2. *Choose* your level of involvement
   
   
3. Become a Jedi Knight: Slow down time so you can act, not react
   
   
4. Proactively love and serve; even when it hurts
   
   
5. Take care of yourself whenever YOU need it.

STEP #1 Have an action plan

There are many strong willed characters in my family. Each wants what he/she wants.

In the past I would get swepted up in activities and plans not my own. I would wonder if
anyone cared about my needs.

I would feel drained, weak, unheard and more or less resentful at the end of family gatherings.

Then I figured out that I could make a plan just for me.

My friend Jim likes to point out that a person with a plan almost always wins
out over someone who doesn't.

In the process of writing out my action plan I proved to myself that my wishes had value; even
if they only had value to me. I could relax, knowing that my opinion and concerns do matter
and that I was going to be taken care of.

Ask yourself what dietary, environmental and activity variables you require to have a great time and plan accordingly.

Nobody knows your needs like you do.

For me, my two priorities were freedom of movement and privacy. I got a rental car and my
own hotel room. Both of these proved invaluable for me.

STEP #2 Choose your level of involvement

Just say no (with a smile on your face if possible) to activities that are not alligned with your values.
This point cannot be overestimated. You cannot necessarily change your family or their behavior for
that matter, but you can choose which things you are willing to do and which you are not.

When you say no to activities that you would otherwise do with sheepish resentment, it leaves
you free to participate wholeheartedly in all the other activities.

It also gives your family members permission to be more authentic in their desires.

This can be tricky if we are afraid of offending our family, or we are scared to take a stand in the face of
dominant personalities, but it is worth feeling this fear and taking a stand and saying 'no' anyway as it is
the key to our enjoyment and freedom both with the family and everyone else.

STEP #3 Become a Jedi Knight: Slow down time to be able to act; not react.

Before the trip, a friend of mine asked if I was going to use communication skills to
get through the tricky moments.

I thought about it and replied that if I needed to resort to finding the right words
to get through tough situations with this family it was *ALREADY TOO LATE*.

With my family misunderstandings were the least of our problems. Our problems stemmed from all the emotional
pain that each of us associates with the others. When we get together we are reminded of this pain. There is no
way to talk this out. When painful emotions are driving the conversation no amount of understanding will heal the situation.

I realized that to succeed with this family I needed to be a Jedi knight.

My family is powerful.

Really powerful.

It is not any one person that gets to me. It is all of them together. And it happens faster than fast.

How often have I felt compelled, like a robot or puppet, to say, do and think really stupid things!

Usually BEFORE I realized anything was happening.

Not this time.

This time I was in command of my focus; so much so that I could slow down time.

By slowing down time, I mean that I was able to give myself as much time as I needed to respond to
what was going on around me.

I had the power to comfortably make choices as to how I was going to react to thoughts and feelings
in ways that were radically different than ANYTHING I HAD EVER DONE BEFORE WITH MY FAMILY; I got to choose other powerful options than the usuali reactions I had as a child (to judge, feel like a victim, fight or run away in other words.)

During this weekend there were countless moments when I almost got hooked into some kind
of discussion that had the potential to turn sour.

By being a Jedi knight I was able to gracefully turn each situation around without ANY DRAMA AT ALL!!!

It is impossible to describe the joy I feel in typing those words!!!

To describe how to be a Jedi knight would require more words than a newsletter. I can say that
control over your breathing, single pointed focus, gentleness with sensation and body clenching,
and a willingness to sense yourself without giving any significance to what you are you are going
through are all part of being a Jedi knight

Step #4 Continually love and serve your family

As a result of not being in the usual push and pull of habitual reactions, I was able to do something
that for me was unprecedented.

I was able to be EVERYBODY'S friend and to add value to everyone's experience in ways I could
not have anticipated.

It felt so rewarding and powerful to impact the others in ways that were appreciated. Even family members
who tended to avoid me were coming to me for support when they needed it.

SHOCKING & AMAZING!!!

Action Step : Repeatedly ask the ones around you silently: "How best can I serve you now?" Just asking
the question to yourself will give you lots of little ideas to make everyone's experience richer.

As a Jedi knight I was also able to do something else that surprised me.

Step #5 Take care of yourself whenever you need it

I was able to watch my energy and take a rest when I needed it. I was able to stay back in my hotel room
when everyone else went to a restaurant because I was in need of some alone time. I was able to eat
healthy foods when I had had enough of heavy festival food.

In short, I was able to re-energize myself so I could stay happy and vital.

Action: Ask yourself often: "What do I need to feel energized and at peace right now?"

Remember, it is better to take care of yourself in small increments than to wait until your
situation is dire.

Taking these five steps I was able to pass the ultimate acid test, a family reunion,
with flying colors.

For the first time I was able to have a blast, and everyone enjoyed me too!

What communication situations matter most to you?

In what situations would you like to be powerful, aware and confident?

I invite you to join me to make the most of these situations.

Yours in Presence,

Alan Steinborn

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Alan Steinborn, All Rights Reserved, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006